Confidential ASBO files

An Uplifting introduction from the RT Hon Jack Fuckwit MP in conjunction with the Home Office and Youth Justice Board:

Be alert! Your Country Needs Lerts! We all need to be A Lert to the thoughtless, inconsiderate behavior of others, which blights the quality of community life; that aggressive, loutish behaviour epitomised by Missy Pissy Pants

I recommend this file to all those good citizens who need to know what to be a lert to, and all those thugs to realize that we will not tolerate your anti social shit and the punishments are significant.

FILE NOTES

Surname: Pissypants 

Forename: Missy

Age: Claims to be a puppy but her breath stinks like catshit

Home circumstances: Lives with other problematic individuals:

• Step Brother Pugget who uses way too many aliases, a violent and dangerous individual. Missy has had sexual relations with this family member. Puggy has an ASBO for stealing bones from the neighbour (not always their actual bones) . See appendices
•  Ruby, an ancient cat who rules the roost. Puggy is terrified of her but Missy is not!
• Chicken, newest member of the family, also uses many aliases. Licks Missy’s arse, literally

Pissypants did not have the best start in life. Born in a puppy farm and evicted from said farm

Charges:

Continued anti-social behaviour:

• Harrassment of individuals or passersby
• Assault
• Vandalism
• Criminal damage

Summary of incidents

Harrassment of individuals or passersby/Assault

• She will not approach strangers and only bites them when they are not looking… on their ankles… hard. She thinks its funny to creep up behind unsuspecting visitors and nip them. The faster they walk the harder she bites.
• Lunging at random ankles when walking in busy locations

Vandalism

• Chewing the corners of MDF skirting boards in The Ugly House
• Digging big holes in lawn and rolling in worms

Theft and vandalism

Missy’s parent is a fibre artist (Self proclaimed, possibly made-up profession) Missy steals and savages small felted animals and returns them to their original fibrous state undoing hours and hours of work

Breaking and entering

• Trespassing in left hand neighbours garden and harassing their cats (cats were not in danger, they are bigger than Missy, but then so was Tradesman)
• Barking at neighbours, left and right hand side when they shoo her way, even when they try to kick her

Criminal damage

Entering neighbours property at Christmas time, stealing a sheepskin slipper (gift) from upstairs bedroom and killing it, causing a mass of debris in The Ugly House. Associated costs £7048 (£48 for slipper and £7000 for new fencing to contain Missy – possibly an inflated price following injury incurred by tradesman, concreate base panels were needed to prevent defendant digging under them)

Engaging in threatening and/or anti social behaviour in family group

• Rolling in Fox poo (as a threesome)
• Trespassing in neighbouring gardens (as a twosome)
• Stealing cat poo from litter tray and eating it (as a competitive race)
• Psychotic behaviour on walks (I believe this will be explained in a later submission)
• Vying for a place in the family pecking order by harassing Charlie

Any character points to consider in defendants favour

• She is playful and knows how to fetch (the only family member who does)
• Parent claims biting is done out of affection (except for tradesman)
• Ever so gently takes food from fingers without causing injury (something the other two cannot manage)
• She matches the sofas, co-ordinating nicely with the decor

Assessment of needs:

Bootcamp discipline or current methods: Love; TLC; reassurance; humour (she has plenty but no one else finds her funny)

Findings

Utterly guilty! The defendant behaves at all times in an anti-social manner. An order is necessary for the protections of persons from further anti-social behaviour by the defendant

Appendices:

Puggy’s convictions

• Accepting excessive bribes in the form of sausages and pork chops from the builders at The Ugly House in exchange for safe passage and/or friendship . He accepted bribes but did not fulfill his part of the agreement. They fed him more and more until it was discovered he couldn’t stomach their generosity.
• Puggy was a frequent raider in next door’s garden stealing food put there for birds, including bones (who does that?!).
• Christmas raid on turkey carcass next door with stolen turkey wing and impersonating Mr Creosote as evidence
• Criminal activity of thievery and bribery resulted in internal bleeding  and astronomical vet bills (in itself criminal although Puggy, honouring some sort of criminal code, bit the vet, hard).

ASBO CONTRACT

This contract is made for Missy Pissy Pants (full show name)

I hearby agree to the following:

FURTHER Missy Pissy Pants hereby enters into a commitment not to act in a manner that causes or is likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress to one or more persons in public and agrees to the prohibition of her anti social behaviours

• I will not bite ankles
• I will not steal cat shit and eat it
• I will not vandalise The Ugly House Skirting boards or shit in Charlie’s bedroom
• I will not lose my shit so badly on walks when other dogs approach that I bit my Parents’ (plural) legs (plural), causing puncture wounds
• I will no longer wear a bright yellow ‘nervous’ vest in public. It is misleading. Whilst I am nervous, my passive aggressive behavours need to be identified more clearly. I will now wear a Twat Vest in bright neon.
• When I get excited I will not jump up and bite my mom’s bum. Whilst no harm is intended, I recognise it fucking hurts and I am in danger of biting off more than I can chew

PENALTIES

If Pissy Pants (Missy) does anything which she has agreed not to do under this contract which is considered to amount to anti-social behaviour, Missy will be put in her cage, muzzled with a tiny Chihuahua muzzle or deprived of carrot treats (whichever is appropriate). She will not however be shouted at as she is fucked up enough already.

In extreme situations she will be shot… with a loaded water pistol

DECLARATION I confirm that I understand the meaning of this contract and that the consequences of breach of the contract have been explained to me.

SIGNED _________________________ Youth [signature of individual]              DATE………………

SIGNED _________________________ Parent [signature of parent or guardian] DATE………………

This ASBO has yet to be signed by the defendant!